The Rain and the Rainbow

Today was definitely a rainy day. I had been doing fairly well all night and may have actually gotten 6-7 hours of sleep instead of the new-normal 5-6…

Here are the details. I kept up with taking Ibuprofen all evening so pain was at a minimum until I woke up around 6:30, with a stomach cramp. I headed to the restroom, a little more stiff than normal for my new-norm mornings but not horribly, and realized I was so dizzy I could barely stay vertical. I hurried back to bed, a little freaked, and let the dizzy spell wear off. I again tried to get up but this time, I headed to the couch for my computer, phone, and more meds. More pain. Another dizzy spell. Now I’m really starting to freak because I’m a mom now. I can’t just stay in bed and get better, and that pain was getting worse. I literally half waddled, half zombie walked just to get my legs to move, and each step was a 7 on the scale of 1-10 given by nurses. I debated on just seeing it the ibuprofen and T3 would get my pain under control so I could at least get M on the bus then head back up the stairs and have a Netflix sort of day with the little man. But then I decided to not risk it, so I put in an email to my husband asking him to come home from work, a call to my mom asking her to come be with me, and a call in to my good friend Ami. I apologized for it being so early, but she graciously accepted and came right over. I cannot express my gratitude for this willingness to drop everything and come to me, on all three people’s accounts.

Once Brian made it home, the pain was now at an 8, resting. For those of you who know my whole story, know that I have a fairly high tolerance when it comes to pain. If it doesn’t freak me out, I can tolerate pain very well. I have tolerated a three rib removal surgery with only T3 with me. I’m not trying to impress, because honestly I would not like to have had the experiences that brought me to this knowledge of pain tolerance haha. (but I also have great faith that the Lord knows how to bend and shape me to the person I am and continue to become)I only share it to give you an understanding that if I say it’s an 8, it’s a pretty fair amount of pain! It felt like someone had put a vice on my knees and other joints and just kept tightening and tightening and turning and turning…. He packed our overnight bags and we got ready to head to the ER. Brian practically had to dress me, as I felt so dizzy, so weak, felt too much pain to do it myself. It was a bit of a blow to my independence.

Once there, they got me in those incredibly flattering gowns they provide, (all I have to say is thank goodness for I’m a Mormon and wear certain clothing that I’m allowed to keep on to protect my modesty! ;) ) and started me on IV fluids straight away. Then there was blood drawn, long medical history recorded, doctors and nurses talked to about symptoms, poked and prodded to find tender spots, and fingers straightened past their comfort points. (Currently I am unable, and have not been able for nearly a month now, to completely straighten my fingers without shooting pains, so this was a painful part of the ER visit.)

Then we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally the tests came back with no abnormalities except elevated white blood cells. Still higher than normal, but lower than a few weeks ago when my doctors checked the same blood cells. This was good news, but still didn’t explain why I could barely walk on my own two legs or do simple things like put on my own clothes.

The doctors suggested admitting me for overnight observation, re-evaluation in the morning, and then to go from there. I felt relieved about this, until they explained that they would only give me medication to manage the pain, and IV shots of prednisone to help with the joint pain. I said, “well, you wouldn’t be doing anything here that I couldn’t do at home.” They also agreed with that and we came to an agreement that our insurance wouldn’t have to foot the overnight hospital stay, and I could go home with a prescription for pain control and a new prednisone regimen to hold me over until MD Anderson Houston next week. As much as I want this pain to be gone, I’d be lying if I said I jumped for joy to hear my buddy prednisone was back (in full force) in my daily pill boxes.

So we swung by to pick up little man from my sweet friends who had offered to take him off our hand at the hospital so we could concentrate on the doctors (thank you thank you thank you!! To both you two, and my sweet friend who took the burden off my shoulders of arranging something) and went back home, where I miraculously climbed the flight of stairs all by myself with only my husband and mother close behind me to catch me should I stumble :)

After a couple of hours, and after a delicious meal provided by yet more amazing friends, I decided to get up and move around. To my surprise, After about 5 minutes of zombie waddling, I was able to walk in a fairly normal way! …Or I just got used to the zombie waddle…. But the pain was finally minimal!! But also, after looking in the mirror and at the scale, I could see prednisone back at work :(

I will be honest, I was sad. I have been enjoying my weight loss and cute new flattering clothes and LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND HAVING THE PERSON I SEE LOOKING BACK AT ME MATCH THE FACE I GREW UP WITH. Not gonna lie, I’m a bit vain when it comes to my looks. But, let’s be serious… most of us are. When you look in the mirror, you expect to see a face you recognize. 

So here I am, feeling down about myself (also an effect of prednisone= moodiness) when Brian looks out the window and sees this:

and I’m reminded of this:

And I know this rainbow- this rainbow that shines brighter than any other rainbow I have seen in my life, this rainbow that also has a twin rainbow, this rainbow that is SO BRIGHT I can see PURPLE. CLEARLY- was made for me. It is MY rainbow after MY rainy day. It is MY reminder that Heavenly Father loves me even in my vanity. He loves me even in my pain. He loves me even in the numerous choice words uttered silently in my head. He loves me whether I have a prednisone moon face and “preg”nisone midsection, or a face that I grew up with. HE LOVES ME.  But I also know that this was His gentle reminder that it was this rain that He gave me that created this incredible rainbow, and that I should also be more thankful for it. And I promise Him that I will, and I will dance in that rain more often.

Let's get this show on the road.... to recovery!!

So, Thursday April 24^th, 2014 was going so well until I got a call from and unknown number. “Hello Andrea, this is Dr. ______.” “ oh hey Dr. ______! How are you?” “I’m doing ok, but I have some not so good news for you. You’re MRI results are back and they show lesions in your spine, hips, femur, and collar bone.” “…so… *fighting tears*… my cancer is back?” “Yes, looks that way… I’m so so sorry…” (of course there was a whole lot more medical talk and he named the specific vertebrae and all that, but my brain wasn’t absorbing it…)

They are suspecting (third) recurrence of bone cancer. One of the lesions on my spine is upper, like, close to my neck. It is what is suspected of causing the numbness and pain in my arms/hands/fingers that keep me up hours through the night. It started out with my hands falling asleep when I would do things like type on my computer or talk on the phone, but it would go away as soon as I let my hands hang down at my sides. This started up in maybe January or February, and since then it's gotten to where it's nearly a constant numbness in my fingers and pain in my upper arm.

Although the MRI results say that I have bone cancer, there is always that margin of error. My mom is suspicious of the way this is presenting itself. A lot of our former go-to doctors are saying bone cancer does not normally come back the way it is showing on my MRI, with a bunch of little tumors, without my lungs having been affected… so we are hoping against all odds that we are that tiny percentage that has been misread.

We have gotten a first opinion from a sarcoma doctor here at Indiana University hospital, but we’re still not convinced. There were some things said that just didn’t sit right. So we are seeking out second and third opinions from MD Anderson in Houston and Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA).
In the meantime, the kids and I have just been enjoying the company of my mom, who has been here nearly every day since the diagnosis, helping us clean and organize and cook while I’m still feeling fairly well and things are still moving fairly slowly. We have tackled a lot of the kitchen and the bathrooms. Next on our list is purging and organizing the boxes! She’s such a blessing in our lives!

I think the hardest part about this has been trying to accept what will happen, as far as having to give up the kids… We have grown so attached to them over the past 7 months. When they first came to us, I went a little crazy with all the noise and chaos and tantrums and little fingers getting into things they shouldn’t be. But now, I can’t imagine our lives without them… I spoke with M about everything that’s going on, just because I didn’t want her to get blindsided with something this big. During church last week she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please don’t leave me. I don’t want you to go…”  GAH! Shatter my heart!! I’ve been praying hard for this part to be taken care of, and there have been people coming out of nowhere who would be potentially able to take these kids. One being M’s bus driver, who actually lives in the neighborhood across Harding St. from us! She’s been so sweet. I let her know when we found out, because at that time I thought things would move quickly, so I told her bus driver that I didn’t know if M would be on the bus that coming Monday. She later called me and said that it broke her heart to hear that, she cried on her way from dropping the kids off at school, back to the bus barn. She told me that M has really touched her heart. She told me stories about how she (bus driver) would offer M the tablet she would bring for the kids to play with, and M would refuse it, saying she needed to read her scriptures! Such a sweetheart! The bus driver said she was really impressed by that and that she wanted to help out. She gave me her phone number and asked me to pass it along to my DCS supervisor. I really like her, I can just tell that she has a good heart.

We’ve felt such an outpouring of love and support since this has come out. I cannot even tell you how much of a blessing it has been, the meals brought over right when needed them, the phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, and so forth. It humbles me that there are so many who care for us like you do and are in our corner of the ring during this fight. I pray for you all and thank our Heavenly Father daily for placing so MANY amazing people in our lives. He continues to watch over us and guide us to those who earthly angels who can and will help meet our needs. I cannot adequately express my gratitude!